All the news the New York Times "forgot" - to print

Friday, December 30, 2005

Stratego, Narnia: A Serious review…

First of all: I would like to apologize of my lack of new post. The satellite that sits atop my bunker is not working (and has not been for the last two days) so my internet service is just about nonexistent as of now. (I’m using the phone-line)

Now for my greatly anticipated review of the new board game Stratego, Narnia: First, the game is totally without bias when it comes to one side being more powerful then the other. I can prove this by showing you some facts.

Games of Stratego, Narnia played: six

Aslan win’s: one

White Witch win’s: five

…. As you can see, the game is clearly well made! (Not to mention realistic!) For all of you out there spread across the fruited plain who have played the regular Stratego game - you know - the one where you move those little castle’s across a 12 by 12 board in an attempt to find the enemies flag, (it is best played while sleeping or driving…) you should know that the new one is completely different. Why… it’s as different as a piano bench is to a bed of nails. I’m not kidding. Although on the other hand, if you’re a big Aslan fan, I would not recommend this game! Stay away from it! Don’t go near friends that own it or even have friends that own it! Moreover, in no circumstances go in stores that sell or advertise it! Refrain from talking on the phone to people you suspect play it!...

If you’re one of those people that I am writing about, please listen. Aslan has the same chance of winning as you do finding a pot of gold at the end of a lighting bolt…. Beware friends of Narnia…

Second and last of all: The game has many neat rules that will drive some people out of their minds, and make others jump to Jupiter with joy. I don’t want to bore you to tears with a lengthy recitation of them all… So if you really want to know them, go buy the game yourself. (Bah HumBug!)…

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Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Beat the Press: An exclusive interview with the Queen of Narnia, her Imperial Majesty Jadis.

Host: “Hello and welcome to Beat the Press! I’m Tim Bussert and today I have for a guest the recently overthrown Queen of Narnia, Jadis. Jadis, so glad you could be here.”

Jadis: “FOOL! (Jadis leans over and smack’s an astonished Tim in the face) Do you think that you are great enough to call me by my first name! Scum! My proper title is her Imperial Majesty Jadis, Queen of Narnia, Chatelaine of Cair Paravel, Empress of the Lone Islands Call me as such when you wish to speak to me knave!”

Host: “Ummm… Yes Mam!”

Jadis: (gives Tim a fist to the coconut.) “On Your Knees!”

Host: “Please! Forgive me! I’m so unintelligent and thickheaded I forgot your real name… Please, I’m real dumb.”

Jadis: “That is undoubtedly obvious fool!... Well….On account of your confession…. you are forgiven of your grievous error. Beware that you do not repeat it!

Host: “Thank you, thank you, thank You! You are so kind! So benevolent! So compassionate! So generous! So -,”

Jadis: “Question - PLEASE!”

Host: “Oh yes – questions…. Ummm I think I plum forgot all of them… Let me see… OH! Here they are! Right under my desk. I wonder how they got there...”

Jadis: “QuesTION!?”

Host: Yes, yes, yes… Umm, first… Why do people call you the White Witch?

Jadis: (Jadis laughs) “oh, that’s quite simple. People hate me. So they try to ruin my reputation as a honest kind, and loving sovereign. If I could describe myself for a moment, I would say that I am a fun loving, affectionate person who loves most of all to do interior designing, especially in the area of sculptors. My job has a lot of stress involved in it, as you could guess, me having to rule over a bunch of scum, so I guess you could say – I take all of my stress out on furnishing my beautiful house. I also love snow and winter because I can go riding around on my big sledge everywhere in the bitter cold. I love the frosty, chilly, frozen days! Their so pleasant!... Well anyways as I was saying, I love to go riding on my sledge, spreading the holiday cheer everywhere.”

Host: “I see… So, people hate you so they try to tear you down by lies and deceptions.”

Jadis: “Exactly!”

Host: “O-k… Glad we got that cleared up. My second question is how did you get overthrown?”

Jadis: “Oh, that… Well this weird thing happened. The day IT happened, I was in my house sitting in my rocking chair sewing a tapestry when I heard a knock on the door. I set my sewing materials on a table and went to answer the door. However, when I did open the door I found nobody waiting for me. I went outside to take a look-see and saw nothing. And then I remembered that I had water boiling on the oven so I ran back to turn it off –but strangely I found that the door I had departed from was curiously locked. And since there was no other entrance, I rapped on the door with all my strength! After about two minutes of this bad dream, it got worse. A snowball thrown from an upstairs window hit me square in the face! I passed out right their in front of my own home… And when I woke up I saw four children staring at me (from the same upstairs window as the projectile was thrown from) as if I were some monster in an exhibit. They never let me back in. I was homeless…”

Host: “Sad, the condition of children is these days...”

Jadis: “True, true. So True!...”

Host: “You know I’m interested in your interest, sculpturing. What materials do you use? How much time do you spend on your hobby?”

Jadis: “Well… All I need for materials is a object - and my wand.”

Host: “Wand?

Jadis: (pulling her wand out of her L.L Bean purse) “Yes… This wand. It can make thing's into stone with just a simple command.”

Host: “Turn – things –into Stone?(!?) It doesn’t work on people of course…. does it?”

Jadis: “In fact – it does. Let me demonstrate..."


Oh Christmas Tree, oh Christmas tree...

This is how it comes in...

And this is how it go's out...

Hope you"ll had a great Christmas. As you can see, I've been taking a little break from the trials of blogging. But I AM BACK! I have RETURNED!... Here's a little something I wrote about Johnny Damon many moons ago...


Thursday, December 22, 2005

The Empire Strikes Back

Wednesday morning a perplexing silence fell across Northeast America. Thousands of citizens picked up their morning newspapers and fainted on the spot. Several major firms across the world closed their doors to workers and suggested that their employs follow them in getting mental assistance. Small business everywhere hung up the “closed” sign before 7:00 AM opening hours, and owners who could not control their emotions could be seen weeping openly.

Johnny Damon had joined the Yankees

Thousands of homeowners experienced power outages when a tractor-trailer slammed into a local electricity-transmitting center in lower Vermont. The reason cited for the accident - was the morning news.

Johnny Damon had joined the dark side…

By 10:30 (AM), the governors Massachusetts, Rhode Island, New Hampshire, Vermont and Maine had all declared in some form or another, of a state of emergency. Calls went out for FEMA for help. Looting and rioting (the worst of it in Boston) began. The National Guard, and shortly later an Army Corps tank battalion, were called up to attempt to stabilize the situation.

Johnny Damon had really joined the dark side!..

At 7:45 (PM, Wednesday), President Bush made a speech to the nation that on national TV. In it, he tried to assure Americans, and especially Americans in the Northeast states that he was on top of the crisis. He began his hastily written speech in saying, “America cannot imagine Boston without Johnny Damon, and Boston cannot imagine life without the Red Sox. We must rebuild the franchise; we must care for the fallen… Let me say this unmistakably, so everyone will understand. America must have a team that will have a payroll as high as the New York Yankees. Divided we stand, united we strikeout. Thank you…

Yes – Johnny Luke Antican Damon had betrayed the Rebellion for the dark side (plus 52 million bucks)… In the words of a great philosopher, “It’s a pity; such a pity.”…

Thursday morning the crisis is over. The Tank battalion and National Guard units have all been sent home. People are back at work, and somewhere children laugh and play. The streets are back to normal, again full of motionless traffic. On the exterior, it appears to be just another frigid, Northeast, December day. But something in 50% of the population of the Northeast America is different, maybe it’s the drunken man stumbling out of a bar and walking away without a spring in his step or a song in their heart. Or the maybe it’s the college student standing outside of his class room with a jar for donations so the Red Sox president/CEO Larry Lucchino can “afford to keep the players we still have.”

Something has changed. And whatever it is, it doesn’t seem to be affecting New York to much… Truly, today is not a happy day in Beantown. Poor Traitor Johnny has walked out.

It was his destiny... "HAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaa!!!"

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Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Narnia; the Myth and the Lie: Three

At last, we reach the end! In this post I will be wrapping up the last of the series of educational and enlightening articles on the highly controversial subject of did Lewis fib?

As I have shown in the last two accounts, the answer is quite clear. The evidence shows that Mr. Lewis did in fact spin the facts to make his version (and idea) of Narnia fit his purposes. And in doing so in my opinion, C. S. Lewis created one of the worlds greatest scripts made by mortal man. You see, I do not think C. S. Lewis was trying to be intentionally naughty when he twisted the evidence, and hid the facts, I believe that he saw a great story and allegory of a great king who had sent his son (Aslan) to take over all the world and rule it under the iron paw of his reign. The Lion would allegedly die and come back too life again. Years of toil and further hardships would come. Then finally, in the end, when things looked their “bleakest”, he, Aslan, would conquer the opposing forces in a “last battle” and leave them all to die in a world that would shortly be destroyed by a powerful explosion of a nearby star [on a serous note for once, read the Bible if you want to hear a real story about sacrifice & salvation].

A great story line, which makes a masterpiece come to life from the hand of a gifted author… If only it was a true storyline…

Let us continue our myth blasting…

7) The Beavers: One almost has to feel sorry for these little fellows… In the first day of the rebellion in Narnia, these poor little beasts (Mr. & Ms. Beaver) were chosen too escort the three children from the lamppost to the “stonetable” in order that they might meet Aslan to converse with him over the destruction of Narnia as it was know in those days. They, the beaver were not entirely without good in them. Up too the last moment of the children’s arrival, even till they lead them out of their riverside home (that was built by the queen may I add) they were divided in their minds of what to do. But when the decision came down to doing the right thing, informing the queen of the traitors, and the wrong decision, bringing the troublemakers to Aslan, they chose the appalling and inexcusable latter.

Generations of later beavers would curse that fateful day. Because, as a result of their breeds treachery, all beavers since that time in Narnia have been banned from working or having anything to do with the tourist industry. In addition, to add melancholy to misery, not a single beaver is ever spoken of or mentioned again in C. S. Lewis books.

It never had to be…

8) The Stone Table: The Stone Table was quite simply a big slab of stone that could be worth a lot to you if you like granite countertops… It is mostly remembered because BBC’s version of The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, dramatically portrayed it as a painted piece of glorified Styrofoam….

9) The Four Thrones at Cair Paravel: There are actually nine thrones. Let me say it brusquely; have you ever heard the word Supreme Court?… Five of the royal seats were conveniently dumped elsewhere to fit Aslans view of destiny (recent research suggests that the stone table (see above) could have been one of these missing thrones)…

10) Father Christmas: Only babies believe in Santa Claus, and - I need not go any further on this one…

And by the way – am I the only one who noticed that in the new movie the “PC” Father Christmas shouts when leaving on his sledge “Happy Holidays!” instead of the more intolerant M*r*y C**is*m*st…

Ok.... have fun... Bring it ON!

Much thanks to Walt Disney Pictures for the title picture.


Monday, December 19, 2005

Ebenezer Scrooge: A Christmas Carol - A Serious review….

Awwww… the wonder of it all! It’s Saturday. And here I am, sitting in a packed, gas guzzling SUV (my sister and I were carpooling with some friends) stuck in a minor traffic jam, slowly heading toward the great force of evil on earth - Boston. As always, I am going with my sister to a great cultural event. In this case, as last time, it is a play. This time however, instead of the sentimental hogwash Oklahoma!”, I am going to see the more traditional stage - play, Charles Dickens “A Christmas Carol,” which was to be performed by New Life Fine Arts Musical Theater. Baa Humbug!

We arrive about thirty minutes before the play is to begin. And after a few minutes of wrestling and biting our way to the ticket counter and getting our tickets, I feel quite confident that we are ready to watch the play. I mean, is not this what Christmas is all about? Running and trampling over people to get what YOU Want?

Now for the confession: For some strange, odd, bizarre, and outlandish reason which makes zip sense, the Patriots are playing today (Saturday). To explain why it’s weird for them to play on Saturday – on the same exact day as the performance, at the same exact time as the game, is hardly impossible! They play sixteen games a year and only one of them on a Saturday! WHY THIS SATURDAY!!??(?) It is enough to boggle the coconut.

Well… I must say that I did not go unprepared. In my front coat pouch, I was secretly smuggling a set of headphones and a little palm size radio… The price if caught with such articles in this theater was quite lenient: Death. Nevertheless, what is life without the thrill of a life and death risk? You know, sort of like climbing Mount Everest (or any other mountain with a 50/50 chance of survival…). There was always that risk of being caught. Nevertheless, I figured that if for some strange reason I was caught, I supposed that it would make a great story to write on my blog… Baa Humbug.

The sound system is t-e-rr-i-b-le… (Ok.... that my be a little too harsh...) One of the lead actors, Mr. Cratchit’s microphone is not working. Moreover, the music from the (bottomless) music pit is sometimes overwhelming the otherwise great singing and whatnot. Baa Humbug! The actors with a few exceptions fill their roles wonderfully. Scrooge looks like Scrooge. Cratchit looks like Cratchit, etc. But, those sound people! Are there no prisons or workhouses for them?... Baa HumBug!...


Friday, December 16, 2005

"Please Sir. More Food..."

(Head-honcho sitting over in the corner - the big one.)

"What! You'll get fat! Think about others for once! You don't understand?... do you?

(3 Friends) "Naaaa... He's too little..."

I hope is a positive break from the Narnia series -because we still have four myths to conquer...


Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Narnia; the Myth and the Lie: Two

After the last post on this subject, I felt remorseful that I had only skimmed the surface of this issue. The issue being for all of those that missed out on the first article, the myths and lies that are rampant throughout the noted author C. S. Lewis’s celebrated book, The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. A careful and analytical comparison of Narnia’s History and Mr. Lewis’s book (s) will reveal that many parts of Narnian history portrayed by Mr. Lewis, are added, twisted, or completely ignored. However as I said, I only skimmed the surface in the last editorial. Today I will endeavor to bring more falsehoods and myths to justice, so that you – your children - and your children’s children - may more fully understand the True story of Narnia. (long live the true ruler of Narnia!)

5) Thee Lion (Aslan): Awwww… The Great Lion, the corner stone which upon the entire world of Narnia rests. Aslan – the great deliverer in times of desperate need, the son of the king in the east, the one who is terrible – but always good… myth , myth, myth…

Nothing could farther from the truth. In realty, Aslan was a brutal mobster that preyed on the weak and self minded. Those he kept alive as his ways and means. The Lion, Witch and the Wardrobe is a classic example of this type of racketeering. In it, four children who had escaped from an insanity asylum arrive in Narnia through a wardrobe. Very quickly and alertly, Aslan sees that they are just the type’s he likes. And after quick and bloody overthrow of the lawful ruler of the land (Narnia), he establishes them as puppet kings and queens. To be short, let us just say that the period following is not known as the golden age…

Moving on. His methods for his war to capture the entire world from the east to west are best stated as cruel and barbaric (eating a queen that refused to ally with him, etc). Fear was his second name. In his rise for power, he let nothing and nobody get in his way. He said it best himself once when he was mocking a young girl that was thirsting to death; “I have eaten many people… men, woman, and children….”

C. S. Lewis saw Aslan as a figure of power. Thus, he gave him the apex position in his chronicles. Nevertheless, indeed, this Aslan - was no friend of Narnia.

6) Turkish Delight: The box was stolen from the queens royal sled/carriage by Edmond (the least nastily of the lot, but nastily yet the same). When it was reported to the queen Jaddus, that the box of her favorite fare had been stolen, she calmly and graciously said, “Someone else must have needed it more.”

Much thanks to Walt Disney Pictures for the title picture.


Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Don't Cut and Run...

When the play gets too rough -

The timid ones just walk away...


Monday, December 12, 2005

A profile of courage...

No, this story today is not going to be about a man who threw himself in front of a truck to save a flock of ducklings or anything of that sort. Today I present to you a true story of sacrifice. A chronicle of endurance and courage… A - --- .... ("cut! cut! Cut!")

Actually after the blizzard we had up here in the great Northeast,everyone was looking pretty blue. Which make's sense; because it's what you expect - living in the most liberal state in the fruited plain. But my brother and I, shunning contemporary day common sense that says “stay in your house and guard your bread and milk” (where did that come from...), both went outside as soon as visibility was above two feet. I almost don't need to write this because you probably already know, but we both died after about three minutes of experiencing the outdoors. But our bodies were dug out later and they found the camera with the pictures that we took so it was worth it. Here’s the pictures:

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Friday, December 09, 2005

Narnia; the myth and the lie.

Today the film version of the book, the Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe appears on in theaters all across the world. It is too bad that half of it is going to be a lie… Does that sound harsh to you? Do you recoil in your chair when you read that? Half of the movie a lie?

Well... interesting enough, C. S. Lewis was able to be a spin master that would make Dan Rather turn green. Let me give you a few examples of where Mr. Lewis took Facts in the ere in Narnia that he wrote the Chronicles in the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, and twisted them to fit his plot.

1) The Snow: Winters in Narnia used to last about 30 years. So when the children arrived one day before spring began,(29years 364 days into the winter!) they, and C. S. Lewis, just simply concluded that they had caused the new season. And moreover, that it had always been winter before they arrived.

After the unlawful transferring of power, the new rulers instated a brutal and vigorous plan to create globe warming to shorten the winter to normal earth conditions that they were used to living in. Due to the season shorting, many creatures where sadly and needlessly driven to extinction. Just one fact Mr. Lewis “forgot” to mention.

2) The Secret Police: An unfair, unproven fact! Please note that because of the wise rule of the “White Witch” crime was just about nonexistent. Therefore - it is possible that the police could be so unknown, and their presence so uncommon that they might have called “Secret.”

3) The Statues: A fact, but a cunningly deceitfully, twisted fact. The Statues were in fact tombstones of subjects that died during the long winter season. The ground would be obviously frozen during the winter so burial in the normal way was quite impossible. The kind queen, in her great love for her subjects, invented a wand that would fossilize the dead animal etc, into a protective block of stone until the end of winter when they could be more properly buried. Never was the wand used as an offensive weapon, a lie that C.S. Lewis use’s scandalously and outrageously often in his manuscript.

4) Tumness the Fawn: The fawn was a liar and all-round scallywag who had political ambitions. Ambitions - that caused him to have a great interest in overthrowing the Queen. The Children from the Wardrobe helped him to turn his wicked plans into evil acts. He was arrested for treason (the first arrest in Narnia in countless years), but it was too late. The connection had been made, the lies told, and the damage done.

Credit to Fox News for the title picture.


Thursday, December 08, 2005

Hunting: Day Two

After yesterday’s hunting debacle, I was purposed to accomplish my goal that I carry a deer home in triumph. Indeed, just before the below story (H:1) hit this site I went and scouted out some new hunting areas for the next morning (today). I was spurred by the shame – and humiliation – of returning home void. Failure I felt, would be an everlasting blemish to my reputable status throughout the world as a wise, shrewd, and grizzled woodsman. Anything short of victory for me could be devastating.

This morning I woke at five and got ready for the hunt. I was wearing three coats, two pairs of pants, and two pairs of socks when I stepped out the door into the warm breeze of 2 degree air. After about a half mile walk to the hunting spot, I set up my lawn chair and waited for the stubborn beasts to come. Wait, wait, wait, wait…(same process of freezing to death as yesterday begins from the moment I sit down… gradually gets worse…)

Strangely, none did come. I thought I heard noises that could be deer related, such as antlers clashing, stomping, and weird grunts, but I never got an actual glimpse of one.

I could not get it. How could it be that no deer would show up despite the fact that countless tracks and even a StarBucks, (a spring that they frequent) were on the scene of my ambush?

I don’t know the answer, but I do know that there’s always tomorrow. And I also know they’ve got to be out there somewhere...

The search continues…

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It's all fun and games until someone....

Falls through the ice?

These are a few of my siblings trying desperately to kill themselves. The reason being, their all diehard liberals so when they heard Bush's poll and approve numbers were up – they were driven into madness.

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Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Hunting: Day One

This morning I went deer hunting with my younger brother and dad in the balmy and pleasant woods of Frozen New England. The pleasure and excitement of sitting on a pile of snow and ice, not to mention the pleasant 23 degree air conditioning, waiting for a six hundred pound, eighteen point drooling, pot smoking Buck that would be dumb enough to walk by our position, was invigorating and exhilarating! In fact, after three hours of this endless bliss, we began to wonder if there were any such beasts in the area. I began to have hallucination’s that whole herds of deer we’re stomping past me and that the biggest one stopped five feet directly in front of me and said “Shoot me please! The food here is terrible!”

The hallucinations stopped. My pants were frozen stiff to the ground. I could hardly feel my toes. My fingers were inflated and puffed. And, well, to add to the state of paradise I was in, my face was incased in a sheet of ice created my by breathing. I guess you could say I was thoroughly enjoying the outdoors.

I got back to the house around 9:30,(am) and my family threw my brother and dad (both who had braved the same conditions as I, although I’m sure their trials were far less then mine) and I into the woodstove so we would thaw out. After five minutes they pulled us out and I felt much better. My toes still felt a little tingly, but overall I now feel good enough to go give it another try tomorrow in the hope, yea, the expectation of bagging that six hundred pound, eighteen point, drooling Buck.

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Sunset on the farm.

All the news you need to know about today:

Global Freezing is happening. And the eskimos are sueing the United States for melting their nation...

Nearly forgot. Jelly fish are taking over the world. Well.... sort of...


Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Bad Hair Day?

No - it's a bad feather day.

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Friday, December 02, 2005

American Xmas

I've always suspected that the left thinks America is the Evil Empire. Now I have proof.

The front cover of a recent issue of a leftist magazine, The New Rupublic (which I'm a subscriber to, I'm ashamed to admit), ran the following lead headline:

America isn't so bad after all?

Okay, I get it. America is obviously such an unredeemable civilization that it needs a final solution:


Implement a national, mandatory evacuation. Women and men, girls and boys, etc. must march for the borders. This exile is to begin on 12/24/2005 18:00:00 EST. Christmas tree lights should be left on, for reasons to be detailed shortly.


Throw open the borders to illegals. Invite in droves of foreign thieves, terrorists, and punks to storm the country, ravishing it of its wealth and Christmas presents. The lighted Christmas trees will serve as markers of the yet-to-be-unwrapped Xmas Xboxes.


After flying the Xmas-present-laden thugs out in plush corporate jets, nuke the country into the ocean. The first nukes should hit California, knocking it off into the Pacific. Then comes the state of Maine (Remember the Maine!). Chipping away gradually, every state is to be knocked over into the Pacific and Atlantic Ocean.

I'm trying to be open-minded about this whole thing, so any suggestions or ideas will be appreciated. Of course, the French have already done their part in this regard.


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