All the news the New York Times "forgot" - to print

Thursday, December 22, 2005

The Empire Strikes Back

Wednesday morning a perplexing silence fell across Northeast America. Thousands of citizens picked up their morning newspapers and fainted on the spot. Several major firms across the world closed their doors to workers and suggested that their employs follow them in getting mental assistance. Small business everywhere hung up the “closed” sign before 7:00 AM opening hours, and owners who could not control their emotions could be seen weeping openly.

Johnny Damon had joined the Yankees

Thousands of homeowners experienced power outages when a tractor-trailer slammed into a local electricity-transmitting center in lower Vermont. The reason cited for the accident - was the morning news.

Johnny Damon had joined the dark side…

By 10:30 (AM), the governors Massachusetts, Rhode Island, New Hampshire, Vermont and Maine had all declared in some form or another, of a state of emergency. Calls went out for FEMA for help. Looting and rioting (the worst of it in Boston) began. The National Guard, and shortly later an Army Corps tank battalion, were called up to attempt to stabilize the situation.

Johnny Damon had really joined the dark side!..

At 7:45 (PM, Wednesday), President Bush made a speech to the nation that on national TV. In it, he tried to assure Americans, and especially Americans in the Northeast states that he was on top of the crisis. He began his hastily written speech in saying, “America cannot imagine Boston without Johnny Damon, and Boston cannot imagine life without the Red Sox. We must rebuild the franchise; we must care for the fallen… Let me say this unmistakably, so everyone will understand. America must have a team that will have a payroll as high as the New York Yankees. Divided we stand, united we strikeout. Thank you…

Yes – Johnny Luke Antican Damon had betrayed the Rebellion for the dark side (plus 52 million bucks)… In the words of a great philosopher, “It’s a pity; such a pity.”…

Thursday morning the crisis is over. The Tank battalion and National Guard units have all been sent home. People are back at work, and somewhere children laugh and play. The streets are back to normal, again full of motionless traffic. On the exterior, it appears to be just another frigid, Northeast, December day. But something in 50% of the population of the Northeast America is different, maybe it’s the drunken man stumbling out of a bar and walking away without a spring in his step or a song in their heart. Or the maybe it’s the college student standing outside of his class room with a jar for donations so the Red Sox president/CEO Larry Lucchino can “afford to keep the players we still have.”

Something has changed. And whatever it is, it doesn’t seem to be affecting New York to much… Truly, today is not a happy day in Beantown. Poor Traitor Johnny has walked out.

It was his destiny... "HAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaa!!!"

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19 Comments:

Blogger Tash said...

In the words of Johnny Damon, "we’re going to be hard to beat"...

Graceful till the end...

Thursday, 22 December, 2005  
Anonymous nanrniachick said...

noooo, what a loser! why would he trade?! i'm not really into baseball, but enyone with a brain stem knows that he can NOT switch!!
johny damon with his caveman-hair cut is the staple of the Red Soxs! now he's gonna be a Yankee doodle...........pshhh

Thursday, 22 December, 2005  
Anonymous coventrychick017 said...

damon.. a yankee.. i never thought i'd see the day. i wrote a poem in in sorrow: damon ur shamin , red sox r playin, ok ur a looooooser... yes.. i know that doesn't ryhme.:P

Thursday, 22 December, 2005  
Blogger Tash said...

He left because he knows what's good for him... Ever heard of MONEY?

Yes... it will be strange to see caveman in stripes. But then again, when the Yanks sign big Papi next year that will be evn stranger...

coventrychick017: Your poem rhymes not.

Thursday, 22 December, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Johnny Luke Antican Damon?" Just call him Darth for short.

Thursday, 22 December, 2005  
Blogger Jade said...

Johnny Damon will now have to shave his beard and get a haircut Yankee Policy

Friday, 23 December, 2005  
Blogger Teenpact 2006 said...

Players have absolutely no loyalty to their teams anymore....

Friday, 23 December, 2005  
Blogger DJ said...

winteming-the teams also have no loyalty to the players.

I personally am looking forward to a cleaned up JD. That scruffy, long hair hick look he had going just didn't work for me...

Friday, 23 December, 2005  
Anonymous narniachick said...

damon can NOT cut is his hair!!!
i saw old videos of him with a buzz cut and it looked sooooooo weird, it was beyond weird it was ultra-wierd! like really, really, weird i can't think of any other word to describe him with short hair........
where's the thesaurus when u need it??
i know he's getting more money! but he PLEDGED to be loyal.....so much for that.

Friday, 23 December, 2005  
Blogger Rex Tyrannus said...

I thought the dark side loses in "The Empire Strikes Back"?

Friday, 23 December, 2005  
Blogger Tash said...

The DArk side? Who said the Yankees are the Dark Side?...

Friday, 23 December, 2005  
Blogger Philosopher said...

“Who said the Yankees are the Dark Side?”

You did Tash. You said, “Johnny Damon had joined the dark side…” Which means the Yankees are the dark side ,right!

Saturday, 24 December, 2005  
Anonymous narniachick said...

i second philosophers thoughts!!

Saturday, 24 December, 2005  
Blogger DJ said...

The Empire cleaned house in The Empire Strikes Back The rebels barely made it off of Hoth, Han was betrayed and frozen in carbonite, and Luke was almost killed in a battle with Darth Vader and ended up losing a hand.

Come on peeps, get your starwars facts straight please. Christmas spirit can only be carried so far in the face of such *ignorance* :) heh, heh, heh...

Saturday, 24 December, 2005  
Blogger DJ said...

Merry Christmas!!!!

Sunday, 25 December, 2005  
Anonymous narniachick said...

that is one of the best starwars! i was always fasinated when they froze Harrison Ford (han)in the carbonite! my dad is a treky and a starwars fan, and from a young age of being exposed to them how could I be anything but a starwars fan............ anyways
happy new year!
how did we get on to starwars from Damon?

Monday, 26 December, 2005  
Blogger blackstallion589 said...

I'm bawling my eyes out after hearing this news about Damon, I can't believe he would do such a thing....oh well, I'm still going to wear my red sox shirt that has his name on the back... I think.

I'll still go on being a red sox fan!!!!

Narniachick: That was my favorite part on star wars too!!! Growing up with big bothers, urr.. I mean brothers, I have had to sit through these kind of movies too!
TTYL!

Monday, 26 December, 2005  
Blogger Queen of lilyflowers said...

Those stinky red socks. YUCK. DISGUSTING! A gang of dishonest and horrid RASCALS with jumpsuits, who adore jumping up and down with their long greased hair with ruby barrettes flying and all their earrings swinging, because they just got a disgraceful amount of money because they managed with their wily ways to get on a team that clicked became their teammates also share facial piercings. An ugly waste of million dollar bills, I think for some reason.

Monday, 26 December, 2005  
Blogger blackstallion589 said...

preach it lily!

Tuesday, 27 December, 2005  

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