Beat the Press: An exclusive interview with the Queen of Narnia, her Imperial Majesty Jadis.

Host: “Hello and welcome to Beat the Press! I’m Tim Bussert and today I have for a guest the recently overthrown Queen of Narnia, Jadis. Jadis, so glad you could be here.”

Jadis: “FOOL! (Jadis leans over and smack’s an astonished Tim in the face) Do you think that you are great enough to call me by my first name! Scum! My proper title is her Imperial Majesty Jadis, Queen of Narnia, Chatelaine of Cair Paravel, Empress of the Lone Islands… Call me as such when you wish to speak to me knave!”

Host: “Ummm… Yes Mam!”

Jadis: (gives Tim a fist to the coconut.) “On Your Knees!”

Host: “Please! Forgive me! I’m so unintelligent and thickheaded I forgot your real name… Please, I’m real dumb.”

Jadis: “That is undoubtedly obvious fool!... Well….On account of your confession…. you are forgiven of your grievous error. Beware that you do not repeat it!

Host: “Thank you, thank you, thank You! You are so kind! So benevolent! So compassionate! So generous! So -,”

Jadis: “Question - PLEASE!”

Host: “Oh yes – questions…. Ummm I think I plum forgot all of them… Let me see… OH! Here they are! Right under my desk. I wonder how they got there...”

Jadis: “QuesTION!?”

Host: Yes, yes, yes… Umm, first… Why do people call you the White Witch?

Jadis: (Jadis laughs) “oh, that’s quite simple. People hate me. So they try to ruin my reputation as a honest kind, and loving sovereign. If I could describe myself for a moment, I would say that I am a fun loving, affectionate person who loves most of all to do interior designing, especially in the area of sculptors. My job has a lot of stress involved in it, as you could guess, me having to rule over a bunch of scum, so I guess you could say – I take all of my stress out on furnishing my beautiful house. I also love snow and winter because I can go riding around on my big sledge everywhere in the bitter cold. I love the frosty, chilly, frozen days! Their so pleasant!... Well anyways as I was saying, I love to go riding on my sledge, spreading the holiday cheer everywhere.”

Host: “I see… So, people hate you so they try to tear you down by lies and deceptions.”

Jadis: “Exactly!”

Host: “O-k… Glad we got that cleared up. My second question is how did you get overthrown?”

Jadis: “Oh, that… Well this weird thing happened. The day IT happened, I was in my house sitting in my rocking chair sewing a tapestry when I heard a knock on the door. I set my sewing materials on a table and went to answer the door. However, when I did open the door I found nobody waiting for me. I went outside to take a look-see and saw nothing. And then I remembered that I had water boiling on the oven so I ran back to turn it off –but strangely I found that the door I had departed from was curiously locked. And since there was no other entrance, I rapped on the door with all my strength! After about two minutes of this bad dream, it got worse. A snowball thrown from an upstairs window hit me square in the face! I passed out right their in front of my own home… And when I woke up I saw four children staring at me (from the same upstairs window as the projectile was thrown from) as if I were some monster in an exhibit. They never let me back in. I was homeless…”

Host: “Sad, the condition of children is these days...”

Jadis: “True, true. So True!...”

Host: “You know I’m interested in your interest, sculpturing. What materials do you use? How much time do you spend on your hobby?”

Jadis: “Well… All I need for materials is a object - and my wand.”

Host: “Wand?

Jadis: (pulling her wand out of her L.L Bean purse) “Yes… This wand. It can make thing's into stone with just a simple command.”

Host: “Turn – things –into Stone?(!?) It doesn’t work on people of course…. does it?”

Jadis: “In fact – it does. Let me demonstrate..."