All the news the New York Times "forgot" - to print

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Beat the Press: An exclusive interview with the Queen of Narnia, her Imperial Majesty Jadis.

Host: “Hello and welcome to Beat the Press! I’m Tim Bussert and today I have for a guest the recently overthrown Queen of Narnia, Jadis. Jadis, so glad you could be here.”

Jadis: “FOOL! (Jadis leans over and smack’s an astonished Tim in the face) Do you think that you are great enough to call me by my first name! Scum! My proper title is her Imperial Majesty Jadis, Queen of Narnia, Chatelaine of Cair Paravel, Empress of the Lone Islands Call me as such when you wish to speak to me knave!”

Host: “Ummm… Yes Mam!”

Jadis: (gives Tim a fist to the coconut.) “On Your Knees!”

Host: “Please! Forgive me! I’m so unintelligent and thickheaded I forgot your real name… Please, I’m real dumb.”

Jadis: “That is undoubtedly obvious fool!... Well….On account of your confession…. you are forgiven of your grievous error. Beware that you do not repeat it!

Host: “Thank you, thank you, thank You! You are so kind! So benevolent! So compassionate! So generous! So -,”

Jadis: “Question - PLEASE!”

Host: “Oh yes – questions…. Ummm I think I plum forgot all of them… Let me see… OH! Here they are! Right under my desk. I wonder how they got there...”

Jadis: “QuesTION!?”

Host: Yes, yes, yes… Umm, first… Why do people call you the White Witch?

Jadis: (Jadis laughs) “oh, that’s quite simple. People hate me. So they try to ruin my reputation as a honest kind, and loving sovereign. If I could describe myself for a moment, I would say that I am a fun loving, affectionate person who loves most of all to do interior designing, especially in the area of sculptors. My job has a lot of stress involved in it, as you could guess, me having to rule over a bunch of scum, so I guess you could say – I take all of my stress out on furnishing my beautiful house. I also love snow and winter because I can go riding around on my big sledge everywhere in the bitter cold. I love the frosty, chilly, frozen days! Their so pleasant!... Well anyways as I was saying, I love to go riding on my sledge, spreading the holiday cheer everywhere.”

Host: “I see… So, people hate you so they try to tear you down by lies and deceptions.”

Jadis: “Exactly!”

Host: “O-k… Glad we got that cleared up. My second question is how did you get overthrown?”

Jadis: “Oh, that… Well this weird thing happened. The day IT happened, I was in my house sitting in my rocking chair sewing a tapestry when I heard a knock on the door. I set my sewing materials on a table and went to answer the door. However, when I did open the door I found nobody waiting for me. I went outside to take a look-see and saw nothing. And then I remembered that I had water boiling on the oven so I ran back to turn it off –but strangely I found that the door I had departed from was curiously locked. And since there was no other entrance, I rapped on the door with all my strength! After about two minutes of this bad dream, it got worse. A snowball thrown from an upstairs window hit me square in the face! I passed out right their in front of my own home… And when I woke up I saw four children staring at me (from the same upstairs window as the projectile was thrown from) as if I were some monster in an exhibit. They never let me back in. I was homeless…”

Host: “Sad, the condition of children is these days...”

Jadis: “True, true. So True!...”

Host: “You know I’m interested in your interest, sculpturing. What materials do you use? How much time do you spend on your hobby?”

Jadis: “Well… All I need for materials is a object - and my wand.”

Host: “Wand?

Jadis: (pulling her wand out of her L.L Bean purse) “Yes… This wand. It can make thing's into stone with just a simple command.”

Host: “Turn – things –into Stone?(!?) It doesn’t work on people of course…. does it?”

Jadis: “In fact – it does. Let me demonstrate..."

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13 Comments:

Blogger DJ said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Tuesday, 27 December, 2005  
Blogger DJ said...

At first I thot Martha Stewart was being interviewed, lol...

[I trust you notice how I cleverly worked around the extra big title, which hogged up alot of room in the comments section]

Tuesday, 27 December, 2005  
Blogger Tash said...

Thanks... see if I can fix that.

You would probably see a lot of similarity’s between Jadis and Martha Stewart if you talked to them long enough...

Tuesday, 27 December, 2005  
Blogger Jade said...

Tash, it's L.L. Bean not L & Bean

Tuesday, 27 December, 2005  
Blogger Tash said...

L.L & Bean... My excuse for that is I didn't want to be involved in a slander suit... I shall fix that also.

Tuesday, 27 December, 2005  
Blogger Rex Tyrannus said...

Beat the Press, eh? Should it rather be "Stone the Press"?

Wednesday, 28 December, 2005  
Anonymous narniachick said...

i think this is one of my favorite posts!
Tash, u have outdone yourself....once again........
next thing will be 'Jadis Living'
and the Jadis Show!

Wednesday, 28 December, 2005  
Blogger Queen of lilyflowers said...

Very amusing, tasho, I love how you show jadis' true charm.

Wednesday, 28 December, 2005  
Blogger Tash said...

Rex: Very funny...

Narniachick: Glad you liked it. You might have a good idea.... she seems to have a lot of experience in interior designing...so maybe someday...

Queen of lilyflowers: You really should meet with her someday. She could make you a stone violin...

Wednesday, 28 December, 2005  
Blogger blackstallion589 said...

LOL! Tash, you're too funny!
very good post!
Ryu soma: I thought the same thing!

Friday, 30 December, 2005  
Anonymous narniachick said...

TASH! u need to post something else!! i need food for my mind!!!!!
please and thanks!

Friday, 30 December, 2005  
Blogger Rebekah said...

Are you sure that was Jadis? Sounds an awful lot like Hillary....

Monday, 02 January, 2006  
Blogger Queen of lilyflowers said...

i reallly wonder if a stone violin would work for me.

Wednesday, 22 February, 2006  

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