All the news the New York Times "forgot" - to print

Saturday, April 30, 2005

Old Quick Takes.

Hello everyone! I could not think about anything to write about today, so just like some the rest of you out there I decided to just steal what someone else had already wrote. This time the victim was world magazine’s Quick Takes article. In which as some of you know they give sometimes the most important news in the whole magazine. I believe for the most part all these stories are true so enjoy!! (Unless of course you already have been getting World magazine, in which case you will be grinding your teeth in rage.)

Monsters Rights

1‘’Note to tourists in Sweden: Don’t kill a giant serpent that has the head of a dog and fin on its neck. The mythical monster, which supposedly lives in Sweden’s Lake Storsjoen, is officially on the country’s endangered species list. Parliamentary investigators last week discovered a 1986 local court ruling that made it a crime to kill the animal or harm its eggs. They say Parliament may set aside the ruling.”

Warning Abuse

2’’The winner of the wackiest consumer warning label of the year was found affixed to a toilet brush: ‘’ Do not use for personal hygiene.’’ The caution took top honors in an annual contest by Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch to show how corporate liability-phobia results in the ridiculous. Ed Gyetvai, of Oldcastle, Ont., won $500 for the toilet-brush submission. Second prize, $250, went for a label on a children’s scooter that said, ‘’This product moves when used.’’

Sound off.

3’’America’s telemarketers don’t think Dave Berry is funny. Not after the popular Miami Herald humor columnist asked readers to call the American Teleservices Association’s 800 number. ‘’I’m sure they’d love to hear your constitutionally protected views!’’ Mr. Berry wrote. ‘’Be sure to wipe your mouthpiece afterward.’’
Readers responded to the call, flooding the switchboard and forcing the telemarketing group to screen its calls. The ATA called Mr. Barry’s stunt malicious, and the Pulitzer winner apologized-sort of. ‘’I feel just terrible,’’ he said, ‘’especially if they were
eating or anything.’

What’s next?

Soon I guess the military is going to have to put warnings on flame throwers that say‘’ not to be
used for warming MRE’s.’’ Do any of you out there have any more utterly important warnings you can think of?

Friday, April 29, 2005

Laying in wait for its prey.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Beat the Press transcript May 37 2005.

Johnnie Damon on Beat the Press

Host of beat the press. ''Welcome back everyone to Beat the Press, and today our special

Guest is Johnnie Damon. Johnnie so glad you could be here.''

Johnnie Damon. ''I am so like, glad, to be like here, like too.''

Host ‘’ So my first question is when do you plan to cut your hair.’’

Johnnie Damon. ‘’Well first of all Tim, I have to tell the world something I have been keeping hidden for the last one or two years.’’

Host. ‘’What?’’

Johnnie Damon. ‘’I have an unusual disease which cause’s me not to be able to grow hair.’’

Host. ’’What?’’

Johnnie Damon. ‘’ I have been wearing a wig.’’

Host. ‘’How, what, Johnnie?’’

Johnnie Damon. ‘’Yes, since around the 2003 season.’’

Host. ‘’So all this time, you been like pretending to have hair?’’

Johnnie Damon. ‘’Yes well I kept it pretty well hidden for a long time. But my cover was almost blown in the ALCS when big mouth Kevin Muller got mad and said.' I want to surprise the United States of America'. He wasn’t talking about winning four games in a row he was going to expose my facade.’’

Host. ‘’Why would he do this?’’

Johnnie Damon. ‘’Maybe because I was like batting 2 for 76. He might also my have been angry at me for dropping my batting weights on his foot earlier.’’

Host. ’’So why didn’t Kevin spill the secret?’’

Johnnie Damon. ‘’We gagged him with Terry Francons A,B,C gum. Just pored it in has mouth; and you know what. He didn’t stop chewing it until he coughed it up after a World Series post game press conference. The rest is history.’’

Host.’’ What a wonderful story!’’

Johnnie Damon ‘’yaa like. And it’s all in my new book, My Prison Beneath the Helmet.It has lots of good of good recipes for toe nails.’’

Host ‘’yumm! I can smell and taste them now. Thank you Mr. Damon for being on my show, and when we come back Ted Washington will show us the top ten doughnut shops in the country. don’t move.’’

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Our wonderful goats eating hay.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

The sun sets over the farm.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005


This morning we had about 67 chirping chicks arive at our house early in the morning. Needless to say we where sort of unprepared for this invasion of two legged things. However we managed to recover from this quick blow and fought back by dipping there beaks in water, and dumping
ridiculously large amounts of chick food in quartered juice containers. But much to our dismay two small youngsters became casualties, murdered by there own kind. Chickens are sort of unusual in the fact that they kill there wounded. I have never seen this in any other type of beast. It must have something to do with their pea size brains. Hmmm....

When we where going to bury the two dead chicks yesterday. I heard that Penny flushs her dead fish down the toilet. I gave it a thought but I don't think thats the best way to get rid of them.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

''I am feeling hungry..''

''Please pass the dead pig .''

Have you noticed that some people seem to think that meat should be cooked live. We sometimes hear ''Oh don't put that on my pizza it's dead. Ok... So would you like it live?'' Now that might be rare but it could happen someday. (health dude) ''Well if the you know, like amm, pig is like alive then that's like cool man.''

The fact is 100% of all past vegetarians died. Life is the battle in between man and animal, as one once said.''A cooked butter fly is safer then a live one.''

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

What hath spring wrought?

April Madness.

About a week ago my brothers and I where over one of our friend house. Don't ask me how, but we decided to play a game in which one team chases the other team around the woods. You may be wondering right now why we would brake off from our football game
to play such a childish thing, but here's the bite. In order to win the game one team must pin everyone on the other team(it was three on three) to the ground. All at the same time, yah easy huh. Our average weight was something like 136 per kid... Aidan, who was on the other team sat about a foot away from a 16 inch long snapping turtle, he looked just like a rock from above... And he was mad, I didn't know they could hiss.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

happiness is having a good, messy meal.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

And they call this history?

One of my friends from debate class told me that recently the History channel ran a story on UFOs and their history. Well in the show the history channel claimed that the burning bush Moses saw when he went up Mt Sinai was really a UFO and the brightness
and glow of his face when he came down from the mountain was from alien radiation. I guess somebody is going to have to come up with the NAB(new Alien Bible).

happiness is having a fire ant in your nose.

Saturday, April 02, 2005

Beat the Press transcript April 20 2005

Host. ''Welcome to beat the press, our guest today is Silas ---------- former blessed leader and chicken farmer. Silas glad you could be here.''
Silas. ''Thanks, I always enjoy being on this show. It feels like home.''
Host. ''haaa haa it should you been on here sooooo many times.''
Silas. ''ahh yes.''
Host. ''Ok first question, do you support the brutal clubbing of baby seals?''
Silas ''I will take that question too mean do I support the killing of baby seals?''
Host.'' Yes, correct.''
Silas. '' Well in most cases no. I support it only when mothers life is in danger.
Host.'' So your saying you support the the deaths of baby seals! For shame, baby seals.
Silas.'' But I d---''
Host. '''--Next question. Will you run for Teenpact president?''
Silas.''ammm.. Yes I will I feel I can lower myself to do that. And do you know why?
Silas.'' Because today is a day for leadership.''
Silas. ''Yes, their is a clear battle between good and evil. Right and wrong, betwe-
Host. ''just hold it a second, who are the so called ''good'.''
Silas.''Oh thats me, and of course my party PIG[ progressives in Government] as you know we cause unity. Because of our support of each others pork.''
Host. ''So then who is the so called ''evil.''
Silas.'' Saddam and G.A.P.''
Host.'' Who is Gap.''
Silas.'' Girls are perfect party. They threaten the stability of our country , the freedom of our nation, and their also unconstitutional.''
Host.'' Wooooo there. From what you just said their worst then the commies, right?''
Silas.''Right on.''
Host.''Ok don't move because when we come back where going to learn more on how grass grows!''