All the news the New York Times "forgot" - to print

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

NUTS!

The True Chronicles of Narnia

From a fair and unbiased point of view

By Tash


Nuts cracked and laughter rang in a little clearing at the top of a small hill. Smack dab on the pinnacle sat a quaint little shed with an ape named Shift seated next to it. This Shift was one of the smartest creatures in all of Narnia, for he had studied economics in some of the finest Calormene schools as an exchange student in his early years. (he finished 26 in a class of 35). He had a bulky build; his face was one of an honest hard working ape. In fact once after counting his profits from a trading trip he had just come home from. He found that he had overcharged his customer, Lord Quyyto a Calormene, by 14 titteys! (In U.S. monetary system $140). He promptly saddled his faithful donkey, and rode out into a blinding snow storm. His donkey lasted four miles in the storm before perishing in the cold, wet snow, and frosty winds. He valiantly trudged on… And three weeks later emerged from the storm and returned the change to its rightful possessor. (The story as told by Shift). The story gave him the nick name “honest Shift” among all those who knew him. Friend or foe.

{It was the longest coldest snow storm ever remembered.}

But here he was, sitting beside the shed eating nuts with a group of talking beaver and bears who were expressing their excitement that Aslan - was back! And had appeared to them the previous night with Shift, who because Aslan had a sore throat- filled in as Aslan voice and told them what Aslan had planned to tell them. One of the beavers sitting on a log next to Shift said softly as if he felt was being watched “It’s going to be hard to get used to those Calormene guys. You know, they’ve always been our enemies as long as I can remember.”

“Here! Here!” the rest of the animals roared as they grabbed more nuts in the rapidly shrinking pile.

Shift frowned. “I’ve lived with them half of my live. And I’m still alive.”

“Yes.” One of the bears said. “But you’re an ape. Were Bears, Calormenes don’t eat apes, as far as I know. But I’m not so sure about trusting my hide to one of those pale faces.”

Just then, as the bear was speaking, a group of talking red squirrels ran up to the shed with pails filled to the brim with nuts. “For you! Your highness lord Shift!” said a spunky squirrel - the smallest of the group. “My group and I eagerly await further orders from Aslan!”

The Bears eyes grew lager as they watched the nut pile grow. “Aslan is pleased with your nuts”, Shift said, plopping one in his mouth. And now requests AWWWooooo WOOoooooo!! Myyyy ttoohtpht!” Poor Shift was in great pain; he had just bitten too hard on one of the nuts and cracked his tooth. Now it happened that bears and beavers find it very hard, if not impossible to crack a tooth. And not knowing what was going on with Shift - began to bombard him with questions as to what was happening to him.

“Has Aslan come to you in a vision?” asked one bear.

“NOOoooooooo! Myff Tofffth!” cried Shift in return.

A beaver recommended to the group that “Myff Toffth” meant that Shift “must have gotten attacked by a family of fire ants. “Nasty things they are.” At which suggestion the bears began to stomp on him fiercely. “That’ll kill them fire ants!” shouted an on looking beaver, “stamp harder to get them all!” He waved his little fist up and down punching air to the beat of the bears stomping.

On the other side of where Shift was sprawled on the ground was the group of squirrels.
Who were shouting encouragement to Shift and the bears. “Hold on good old Shift - they’ve almost killed them all!” Shift seemed to answer by attempting to roll towards them (away from the stomping bears) but the bears continued to move along with him as he tried to get away.

Finally when there were no bears jumping on him or pounding him to dust for a moment, he managed to scream “Geeetttt oooooooooofffff MEeee! Now! oohhhhhhhh…. awwwww…” He continued to roll on the ground and moan but the bears all agreed that the ants were most likely dead.

“All the ants are dead now sire!” The small leader of the red squirrels shouted triumphantly in Shift’s ear. “Are you ok? Do you still feel any pain? Your highness? Shift continued to mone and roll around on the ground. “Do you have a headache? Are you feeling hungry? Would you like a drink of water? Should we ask Aslan to come out of the shed and heal you? Are the ants still biting you? Your highness? Lord Shift?”

At the last two questions Shift somehow found the strength to shudder a defendant - No!

Needless to say, Shift was in a bad mood for the rest of the day as his ackes and pains were diligently and meticulously attended to by the squirrels and beavers, who all disagreed on just how to treat an ape that rolled around on the ground and muttered "stay off me!” to anyone who approached it.

Tash

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6 Comments:

Blogger 1smallDino said...

Evil Aslan!

Tuesday, 02 August, 2005  
Blogger Tash said...

He's really just a pussycat! Nothing more.

Tuesday, 02 August, 2005  
Blogger DJ said...

hmm, quite the change in perspective, I have to say...

Tuesday, 02 August, 2005  
Blogger Prince Caspian said...

Wow! If it was not from a so deferent perspective you would think it was C.S Lewis himself writing.

Tuesday, 02 August, 2005  
Blogger Rex Tyrannus said...

What makes this version "true and unbiased," as you put it? Are you implying Aslan was a spinmeister?

Wednesday, 03 August, 2005  
Anonymous not anyone you'd know said...

Aslan, just a pussy cat....boy you really are.....strange!
C.S. Lewis would be disgusted by your ingnorance of Narnia, as I am!
I remain your truly!
"not anyone you'd know"
P.S. and I'm not K.C.

Wednesday, 31 August, 2005  

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