All the news the New York Times "forgot" - to print

Monday, July 25, 2005

The Last Battle

The True Chronicles of Narnia
From a fair and unbiased point of view
Aaaaa… Yes I am worried. There’s been a monkey thrown into our logging expedition in the newly acquired area of Narnia. Everything was going so well, almost too smoothly. Everyone was so strangely cooperative. Whenever we would ask our trade agent (an ape, it’s hard to find anyone in that area that will work with us.) to get us this or that, all he does is take his friend, a donkey, and dress him up like a lion. He parades him around, and all the animals obey him. Very
strange… well anyways this ape got a contract for us to log some of the woods near our border with them. I had a bad felling from the start about involving my self with them [Narnians]. I hate their repressive regimes, where all because an animal can talk it is seen as on the same level as man. Simply revolting! I’ve done my part to try to straighten them out. I gave them a loving queen who loved her subjects so much that she let them stay in her palace all day without asking them to leave. In fact apart from her being overthrown she would have let them stay forever. I gave them a kindly king who kept stability in the empire by keeping the animals in their rightful place; the dinner plate. I’ve tried everything! Every single plan I’ve made though has been fouled up by a bunch of kids and a lion. Four kids actually, nobody knows where they come from. All we know is that their trouble makers. The lion is called Aslan, though he’s nothing to worry about. He’s so old that the joke is that he saw the world when it was first created. He’s done. He’ll bite the dust soon, mark my words. I have a bad feeling about the kids though. What if they were to come back…?

Going back to the logging story, the reason we had been logging was because lord Tarkamoon wanted some lumber for his new (and 13th) palace in Carsornoon. He said he had every thing under control, and I granted permission. This morning just after the city gates where opened, a messenger came from the work area with a report of a murder. Apparently one of the groups had been attacked by a crazy man and a horned horse. Two of the loggers were gruesomely killed. (My heart goes out to there families…) Later in the day I received news that the attacker was none other then Rummert, king of Narnia. He surrendered to some of my forces peacefully with his horse. (The horse will most likely be put to sleep). This changes everything… Perhaps this is an opportunity to finally take Narnia... The conditions are perfect. No king, the country is split over our logging - and this Aslan, and I hear that the dwarfs are unhappy with the situation in which they live… Strike while the iron is hot… “Captain Reeeeettuu!” I roared.

The captain ran into the room and fell prostrate to the floor. “Yess myyy lordd?” he said shaking in fear like fish out of water.

“Give the message to commander Tissunaman to deploy all horse men, foot troops and battle horses to Narnia. And tell him not to leave anybody behind. I want this to be the last battle.”

To be continued…

32 Comments:

Blogger Queen of lilyflowers said...

You spell it aslan, not, asland. And I(lillian)agree with you, narnia is NO good.

Monday, 25 July, 2005  
Anonymous Captain Reeeeettuu said...

"I did not!!!"

Tuesday, 26 July, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tash, what's up with you slamming C.S. Lewis's books??? Or did I read it wrong? I think Narnia is really enjoyable, you should go there sometime or are you always trying to control the world????LOL
-Not anyone you'd know

Tuesday, 26 July, 2005  
Blogger Tash said...

First of all I never 'slam' C.S. Lewis. All I do is clarify what he left out of his books. As far as your statement “you should go there sometime” who am I?? Tash, so it makes sense that I would never go to Narnia. As I said “It’s a beastly place”

Tuesday, 26 July, 2005  
Blogger 1smallDino said...

Wow, what a tragedy!!! I guess that’s what its like for you.

Tuesday, 26 July, 2005  
Anonymous A fan of Tash for world control said...

Tash for president!
LBR

Tuesday, 26 July, 2005  
Blogger Prince Caspian said...

C.S Lewis's Last Battle was after my time. To bad I had to go on a voyage to see Aslan( or as you call him "pussy-cat")and could not witness the 'great' Tash with my own eye's(Sarcastically).

Tuesday, 26 July, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good evening, Mr. Trash! As Rex would remind you (Lillian Joy does fine work herself), Spell check is not an evil download from Narnia & grammar is not your Mother's mother! You did have "a bad felling"- very punny. Also, "their troublemakers" smells of anarchy. If not a revolt, revolting in deed. (Indeed!)What about "there families"? Commas would be nice where needed! I believe you take this class with Dishonor--Al Anonymous, a 12 stepper.

Tuesday, 26 July, 2005  
Blogger Tash said...

What class? and what where youu sayyinng abbout speeellcheckk??

Wednesday, 27 July, 2005  
Blogger Prince Caspian said...

Trash?

Wednesday, 27 July, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's a wonderfull! place go through your closet... I've done it before!!! Or are you too mighty for that?
It's not at all "beastly" you just haven't read the books right!
Maybe the great and powerful Tash is going blind!!!
Oh No!!!! Don't let the others hear about this!!!!!
-Not anyone you'd know

Wednesday, 27 July, 2005  
Blogger Tash said...

I would like everyone to note what Mr. Spellcheck opened his comment with, "Good evening, Mr. Trash!" Trash? Trash? WHAT??? As W.F.B would say "please explain."

Wednesday, 27 July, 2005  
Blogger Tash said...

And Anonymous, are you still laughing out loud?
Because as you say, your "-Not anyone you'd(I) know"

Wednesday, 27 July, 2005  
Blogger Queen of lilyflowers said...

I (Lillian joy) never liked narnia. It seemed like it was a world of fake fantasy, and the author, c. s. Lewis is very creative but not very good at plot, yeah, I know it has something to do with the bible (so all christens adore it) but as for plot, I saw very little. In a book/story, there should be a plot. You have to have more in a chapter than going through a wardrobe. Do not take me wrong, but when I read them, about three months ago, I got so bored. BUT, there is some enjoyable stuff in them, like when the witch killed aslan, and in the HORSE AND HIS BOY, when that royal girl (I can not remember all the names right now) ran into her friend in the city, which was interesting. But, I always disliked how when they got to a certain age, they could not return to narnia, and there was a very common thing that happened in prince Caspian, you know, about how Caspian and his brother were switched at birth, or whatever. So my theory (and its very good) is that you adults go read astro physics and give your kids THE COPPER KIDS. Very Christian, have plot spread throughout the book and are fun and funny, they are easy to read, so a smart six year old can read them. But they can be enjoyable enough for a thirteen year old, but one thing about them is that that they are mostly science fiction. But if you are looking for something that is fun, Christian and enjoyable, then they are your books. And to all you jealous people out there who call the honored tash, trash, then who are you and do we want to know? And about spelling, you all make me laugh! You put in tash and they give you trash.

Thursday, 28 July, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

too anonymous: there are some people that respect people.i don't think the spelling was bad at all. kyr

Thursday, 28 July, 2005  
Blogger Prince Caspian said...

Look at where this conversation has gone: from the correct spelling of Aslan, the Tash’s( or if you want to spell it the spell check way Trash) great wanting to control the world, my view on those events in Narnia, trying to convince Tash to go visit Naria, ant-Narnia books comment, and captain Reeeeettuu complaining about being misquoted. I wonder what it will be next!

Thursday, 28 July, 2005  
Blogger Queen of lilyflowers said...

I'm sorry about my spelling. It's, THE COOPER KIDS. NOT, the copper kids.

Thursday, 28 July, 2005  
Blogger Tash said...

Wow! an Anonymous commenter picking on another Anonymous...

Thursday, 28 July, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I like being anonymous, because then you think that I'm one of your brothers or maybe your pesty little sisters, but I am not!
I am someone you know, but at this point I do not wish to show my true identity! hahahaha!!!
I go one being yours truly...
-not anyone you'd know

Friday, 29 July, 2005  
Anonymous someone you do know said...

OK! THAT IS THE LAST STRAW! K.C., I’M SORRY (really), but going under anonymous is no help. I'm glad you can rest in peace that no pesky sister's will kill tash. And if tash had some pesky brothers or sisters then even they would not scoop to the level of making insulting comments.

Friday, 29 July, 2005  
Blogger Queen of lilyflowers said...

I agree with, "someone you do know,"
that comment was VERY rude.

Saturday, 30 July, 2005  
Blogger DJ said...

Queen of Lilly-

You would dare compare The Narnia Chronicles to The Cooper Kids?

They are not even in the same league, much less to be compared against eachother. I would say something about how this shows how shallow your understanding of literature is, but since I don't know you, I won't.

I must say, the comments were very interesting. You can always tell a controversial post by how many comments it has. Way to be controversial :)

Sunday, 31 July, 2005  
Blogger Queen of lilyflowers said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Sunday, 31 July, 2005  
Blogger Queen of lilyflowers said...

You didn't get it! My comment said that the adults should read astro physics and give the kids THE COOPER KIDS, but o.k. (sigh) I can understand that adults have no interest in farthing their education. o.k. (sigh) you adults can go and read LEFT BEHIND, the adult series, (and for your information, I can speed- read one of the adult LEFT BEHIND books in ONE HOUR, can you do that? NOOO.) And as for your very insane comment that, “your knowledge of literature is very shallow." I can say that you are SO wrong. Did you see on my profile that I love Shakespeare’s plays, READING and watching? If you knew how I love and can understand great literature, you would laugh at yourself for writing that comment! I have been reading since I was six and even then I always puzzled and amazed the Liberians with my great amount of ordered books. (I had/have resorted to that since I have read every single suitable book for a girl of my age in every library around.) But don't feel TOO embarrassed about your comment; I known that my own one is so long that another person will have no time to read another.

Sunday, 31 July, 2005  
Blogger Prince Caspian said...

It seems like your just stating your opinion, which is a very anti-Narnia one and also anti-C.S Lewis. The Chronicles of Narnia, The Cooper Kids, Left Behind, and Astro Physics are all deferent. They are aimed for deferent ages, They are written in deferent way(Mystery, Science fic., 'fantasy'), and show there authors traits. It appears as stated in your comment that you don’t care for Naria books. So the so called 'fantasy' that part does not apply to you. And in the first and last comment you laid out your perfect plan for the universal reading (which does not include the CoN). But other people like deferent things, so the world will stay 'imperfect'.

Monday, 01 August, 2005  
Blogger Queen of lilyflowers said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Monday, 01 August, 2005  
Blogger Queen of lilyflowers said...

Prince Caspian: Good going! You got it! It is my opinion, and for your information, I'm very much stuck with it! I know it is a very good opinion.

Monday, 01 August, 2005  
Blogger DJ said...

The very fact that you brot up the Left Behind series[hack trash, even acknowledged as such by those who like the drivel] shows your lack of true understanding. Just because you like shakespeare, doesn't mean a thing. What makes Shakespeare great? That is what you need to ask yourself, and see if it carries over to other series. No matter your opinion of, lets say Narnia :), dont let your personal opinion of it effect your judgement of it.

I hate most of Steinbecks stuff, I find it depressing, but I have to admit that he was a great writer and his works are great. Don't let your likes and dislikes decide if something is great or not...

[hope this didn't come across too strong. Not my intention and I apologize if I did so]

Monday, 01 August, 2005  
Blogger Tash said...

C.S Lewis was a great writer. And his books outshine anything written by any modern day author so far. They don't even come close. But, on the other hand C.S did leave out very important parts in the story of Narnia. And that I will, and must fix.

Monday, 01 August, 2005  
Blogger DJ said...

Tash, I applaud your quest for Truth! :) hehehehee...

Monday, 01 August, 2005  
Blogger Queen of lilyflowers said...

ryusoma: you have not proven your point, whatever it is, but I think that you think, “I think that anything I like I can force it onto other people.” I didn’t outlaw reading C.S. Lewis, I just stated my opinion of it. And I guess you never read Shakespeare, or if you did, you didn't understand it. Because to understand it, you have to think very hard. And as for your,” What makes Shakespeare so great?” I could say, “What makes C.S. Lewis so great?” And you would write back things that clearly state that you liked him better, so what?! And do not think that Shakespeare is the only “great literature " I read. I could not list all the "great literature” I have read. But I'm getting tired of writing the same thing so I'm going to stop arguing with you. But nobody will EVER stop me from beliving in what I believe, and I FIRMLY BELIVE THAT NARNIA IS NOT A VERY GREAT BOOK.

Tuesday, 02 August, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm not K.C.!!!!! Boy I can't believe you thought that!!!! What an insult Oh Great Trash!! (Tash) I'm very sorry to hear that KC was being a pain as she usually is, but you really don't know who I am..... wow. KC was quite upset about teen pac, or whatever it's called.... I'm not KC. (really)
I'm not anyone you'd know or think of on a regular basis, but I'm still LOL that you thought I was K.C.!!!
Tash, have you ever heard of the book "Finding God in the land of Narnia"? It's very interesting.
So, the High and mighty Tash still thinks he can fix "The Last Battle" hmmmmm.....
I remain yours truly,
"not anyone you'd know"

Tuesday, 23 August, 2005  

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