New study shows that Red Sox fans may be missing noodles

A disturbing study put out today by IAMC (Institute for American Mind Control) cements a theory long speculated about scientific circles – the theory/now fact, being that Red Sox fans are likely to not to use their brain in situations that require thinking. The study also disclosed that the Red Sox fans that have been devotees for long period are more likely to suffer from the syndrome (the “Soxed syndrome”) worse then those that have been Sox fans for relatively shorter periods of time.

Johnny Damon, a former Red Sox center fielder was shocked when he heard news of the study. “When I like saw the results on my like computer, I like bust in to like tears, like.”

He paused for a moment to wipe his eyes with an oil stained napkin. “I mean, I might have umm – had a smaller – no I think I mean like larger IQ if I hadn’t been on the Red Sox so long. It’s a like total like tragedy. I could have been a geniusus”

“Mr. Damon is only one of the millions that suffer from the ‘Soxed syndrome’.” Doctor James Chammon said in a phone interview with SNS News. “From my observations of this disorder it first affects the Nobreor Cleffixs and then attacks the Momnin Oprofulus, all of this happening with in a timespan of ten years. What happens beyond this period is not exactly clear but what we do know is that things go down from there. Fast.”

Some are still skeptical. “It’s a bunch on baloney!” said an anonymous Boston Globe sports writer who was walking his cat in downtown Boston. “To think, that the rooting for a baseball team would affect your brain negatively. It’s ridiculous! Hogwash!”

Still others are taking the news seriously. “Save my family!” a mother screamed hysterically as she dragged her three toddler aged sons all toting Red Sox hats and uniforms into the emergency room. “Help me somebody!”

“It’s weird but true” said Phil Assai, researcher for the IAMC. “We started the project somewhere around when Nixon was elected and just finished now. Almost 50 years later we’re finally done. I’m very thankful to Mr. Steinbrenner – Aaaaa – I mean our project manager for all the support and funding to complete this project. My only wish and hope now is that people will sign up for our reeducation classes as soon as possible. We realize that some, mostly adults, will not be able to recover from this illness –umm– disease but there is still hope for the children. And we must do something for them.”

The sites for the first treatment clinics sponsored by IAMC will be announced as soon as FEAMA can procure enough personnel for the mass influx of patents expected to flood New England hospitals as the news spreads.

Keep tuned to SNS News for the latest.